feeling underwhelmed in the transition from one job to another

let me preface this piece by letting you know that I am and always will be someone with an unsettling fear of being ordinary. it's a concept of the human experience that I cannot understand or accept and am at a loss as to who and what sets the standard for ordinary to begin with. so when I tell you that moving into a new job (fit for a functioning adult mind you) has thrown me down a rabbit hole of questioning, you will not be surprised that this new sensation has brought out a new, underwhelming feeling of succeeding at the level of ordinary I despise. let me explain...

as a student working through my semesters of business units, we've already hit a roadblock in removing the cliche from my narrative. I was a child with potential who was not built for the grey area that much of adult life brings. so when my feet were itching for a course that made me 'feel' something like journalism did, the number of changing emotions was not something I could handle at that point in time. the only next step was to continue in the path of tertiary education with a degree that was fit for the brains but not for the bold. during my three years, I was built into the cookie-cutter replica of every other university student who just 'didn't know' what to look for in a passionate career and moved into the world of marketing. "groundbreaking" as Meryl Streep would say.

many others went down this specific path under the guise that 'marketing is everywhere' and so are the available jobs. the latter part unfortunately was wrong, so when an old high school acquaintances mother corned me in my local coffee shop with an offer, there was no way I could refuse. if only I knew what the next few years would bring me, I may have listened to the itching sensation that was back to find something I was right for. alas, the tertiary education industry I ventured into.

do not get me wrong, my experience there - although barbaric - became the stepping stone I needed to become the adult I am today and forged some of the best friendships I have had the pleasure of having (and maintaining post-co-worker status). so when my team all came to the understanding that our workplace, management and resources was unsustainable and leaning towards toxic on a daily basis, the job hunt was on. fortunately, even in such trying times, I managed to secure a position in the pharmaceutical industry, one I was very proud of getting on my own merit. the thing I was not prepared for, was moving from my first adult role in a company that was a neverending parade of drama, stressors and passive-aggressiveness to one that - in summary - functioned. 

what built up my personality over the past two years was the fact that my job was a never-ending nightmare and having a '"karen-trope" manager was as chaotic as the meme implies. In doing my job, my team were almost running into the eye of the storm that was the creative industries in a world where no one could leave their bedrooms to collaborate and essentially learn. i built up a reputation of being a fierce child in a room of dinosaurs who put the fear of god into grown men when the cogs weren't turning smoothly. the amount of energy and anger that encompassed my new persona took a toll on my mental health something severe and in turn, became the front-facing dish I served on the platter that was personal life synopsis. 

I have been in my new role for exactly one week - with a fully fleshed out job description, processes followed as if it were the bible, and a working timeline met on a daily basis and all of a sudden - having no urgency of escaping or the adrenaline rush of multi-tasking above my pay grade was gone and so too was my satisfaction in my career. 

for lack of a better word, we have reached the underwhelming sensation I promised at the beginning of this piece. it's a terrible thing to face after so much work went into moving away from the chaos and achieving a sense of growing up, almost as if the effort to change was the peak of satisfaction I could achieve. we've all heard about new job anxiety and overcoming your sense of feeling overwhelmed at your new job, but I can't see a track record of a short turnaround of un-satisfaction and feeling underwhelmed that comes with a new job. unfortunately, this sensation has fueled a new sense of ordinary that is fed organically by the generations before me and pushed down my throat by the media's representation of adulthood. there's no knight in shining armour on the elevator removing my longing for a rekindled relationship with my ex, or a quirky charismatic colleague who becomes a spark of inspiration, there is simply a row of grey desks with white painted walls signing off on artwork and catalogue spreadsheets, in and out of the office like clockwork. 

I've never been meet with such an underwhelming sensation - as someone who suffers from depression and manic anxiety on a daily basis, I almost thought it was impossible. this slow stagnation that has veiled me in such a short amount of time begs the question of where I tilt on the scale of ordinary or not. only time will tell.

i put "pen to paper" to remind myself that unsatisfaction lurks in every corner of your life, whether you are prepared for it or not. the beauty of unsatisfaction? the element of surprise that will come with your expectations exceeded and the changed tragectory of a life underwhelmed by the mundaneness of adult life. how to get to this point of revelation and content? that's a question for another day. in the meantime - a small piece of luck and encouragement for anyone who has experienced an odd sensation in their life they cannot explain away or accept just yet, hopefully time will reveal to us why

much love

ness