the flavour of rejection

when it comes to dating, it has to be my least favourite pasttime.

i don't like it purely because I'm not good at it.

its either I get too attached, accept the bare minimum as appropriate behaviour or I just look too far into the future and forget about the present situation, but that's just a lot of fluff to hide the fact that the real reason why my romantic endeavours fail is because I never seem to be what the people I want are looking for.

unfortunately, my approach to dating as of late has been nothing if not chaotic but it took me a while to get there. at first I was convinced that more people would like me it I was tolerable and nice and when that didn't work or I got walked all over, I traded tactics. we went full mafia mode straight away. the idea being if they would handle me at my most than they'd be less likely to gimme the "you're not what I expected" spiel. so instead I've gotten a lot of other rehearsed lines.

I've been rejected five ways from Sunday, by long term relationships, one-date wonders, almost maybes and casual flings.

today's rejection was the least problematic but may have been the one that hurt the most.

1 x short lived and casual pairing until he wanted the commitable relationship that you weren't sparky enough for please!

there's so much about a relationship with a kindred spirit that I never considered, one being the misinterpretation of attention and likemindedness as flirtation and affection. the issue I have with this common occurrence is that my approach to dating has always been - friend first, relationship in development. with today's events of "not feeling the spark", as expected, it had me deflated about this evervescent movie scenario that I had built up in my head and the steadfast truth I believed love at first sight doesn't exist. well now the jokes on me. what I failed to take into consideration was how true this is for other people or how true they need it to be to move forward into a relationship.

what I see positively as a slow burning infatuation is and will never be enough for the boy that needs to explode with feeling and fireworks at the get go.

the other aspect of a kindred spirit that I can't comprehend, what I see as a noticeable alignment of values and beliefs that make for a solid foundation of a relationship, look to others as a distinct level of 'friendship' that should be left as is. 

i fear that with the boy I think I want to be in a relationship with is the same boy that will look back and think wow we were better off as friends. i fear that this will hurt more than the boy who is emotionally unavailable or the boy who has a wondering eye or the boy who doesn't know what he wants. because the boy who makes a concious decision to reevaluate their feelings and tell me one way or another, is a boy who evidently rejects with dignity.

the thing about rejection is that I always don't seem to expect it, or a more plausible approach is I do sense it and I put the gut feeling away so as to not distract myself from the completely valid idea that I have anxiously created this phenomenon in my head where the rejection is my own doing and not completely a choice of his own.

its a gut punch, its a quiver, its a single tear down the cheek.

its screaming in the car, its writing this stupid piece, its trying to make it not my fault.

but realistically, rejection has to be at the fault of someone, its just never the person who has to deal with the inevitable consequences.

they feel in their heart of hearts that this was the right thing that this was the mature way to do it that this was for the good of us both, but really, its nothing more than an insane amount of power and hold that another human being can have on someones self esteem.

when does rejection stop feeling like a personal attack? when can you be mature enough to accept rejection as a path not taking and a blessing in disguise?

when someone figures that out could you let us know?

until then its time to wallow once again about the what ifs and maybes that never eventuated, the ideas in my head that will never make it off the page and sitting in the sinking feeling that the spark isn't something that I bring to the table.