another year of the birthday blues

here we go again.

it's that time of year where your parents start getting excited about their 'big girl growing up', your sister tries to not so subtlety disguise her way through a conversation about gift-giving, and you've started feeling the birthday blues.

i was not aware of the alliterated label already attached to this feeling in the urban dictionary, but alas there seems to be a word for everything. although, the definition doesn't seem to encompass all my birthday hatred correctly.

you see, when I turned 20 I was in luck. my bandmate booked in a bunch of gigs for us over a 3 month period and I made no mention that my day of aging overlapped. i saw this as a gift. wrapped up with a neat bow of news we were out of town for this gig - precisely 166km away. this was going to be the best birthday yet, because why would a bunch of boys freaking out about their gear squashed up in a car pay any attention to the little girl singer who was going to age another year in their presence only, they surely wouldn't. because they're boys.

i told my close friends very late that this gig hindered any brewing idea of a surprise or bombardment at my house and gave me the perfect excuse to exercise my right as a human to not have my entire extended family over for 2 hours so they can drink us out of house and home and complain about whatever Italian families complain about. i mean - heaven!

morning of was the epitome of perfect. in a deserted suburb on a Friday morning at a cafe that serves the biggest plate of pancakes I could get my hands on, my mother and sister serve me coffee and carbs to keep me fueled on my drive to circumventing. getting settled in the car was easy as can be with three cups of coffee and a tired mind so by the time city destination was on the horizon i'd almost forgotten why we were there. stocking the air bnb with beer was our only priority, done and dusted very quickly off our to-do list. naps were taken, practice was a given, and before we set off, a coles cake and party hats sit on the kitchen bench. now this may seem very underwhelming, and to many people it would be, but all I could do was beam. this small, generic, overused gesture was perfect for the day I was aiming to have. 

turns out an hour later at the venue my three closest friends would jump me in the bar to surprise me, the guy I very much was not supposed to have a crush on wouldn't leave my side questioning my hatred for celebrating, and a room full of strangers would sing me happy birthday as in tune as one would drunk at midnight. so much for underwhelming.

back to the air bnb we go and I started to question why I could hate such a day that celebrated the small family I made and let me sing some songs on an elevated stage with a decent audio system. there was still one final surprise for the night.

the aforementioned boy I sure as hell was not supposed to have a crush on turned out to be Mr bass player himself - something I would later find out was a general consensus understanding between band boys that no one was to even think about it. but when its 2;30 in the morning and you're wiping off a bunch of eyebrow product off a pale boy who only let me play artist so that I could laugh, all reason goes out the fucking window. 

i remember distinctively looking in the mirror and declaring that I wanted to be pippy longstockings but unfortunately my hair wasn't long enough. he took my hands and started twirling me around like I was a rag doll tryna tell me for sure I could be pippy longstockings until he had my at a halt. turns out it wasn't unrequited lust that day and he kissed me. would you believe I ended up cartwheeling in the middle of the road an hour later so estatic at the fact that this boy I for sure did not think would pay me any attention defied the laws of hooking up with your bandmates and gave me a shot, and a cuddle for the rest of the night before everyone woke up.

i'd love to end my birthday fable there, believe me I tried. but two years later and a worldwide pandemic that turned his minimal role in the defence force into a full-blown cult immersion program, the fable ended. 

forget all the justified reasons of someone acquiring the birthday blues, forget being upset about aging or disappointed about the year's accomplishments or even unsatisfied with the expectations we set for ourselves a year before. I now have the icing on the cake of a reason to hate my birthday. all it does is remind me of a boy I loved more than anything in the world and why even when you use your 20th birthday wish on him and it comes true, every birthday wish ends.

so stop hyping up the milestones. stop romanticising the wish of all wishes. we tell children when they are old and grown that fairytales aren't true, but the only gift I consider you give that person you love is a dose of reality.

i don't know how many birthdays I'll sit here and mourn the one I want back the most, but for now as I curl up in a ball whilst in lockdown, I will continue to mourn. and cross my fingers and toes that one day my birthday wish luck returns. 

gift wrapping a box of tissues to myself

love ness xx