if you can't beat 'em, forfeit? the dating game edition

dating in this day and age doesn't seem to have the same appeal as the Netflix produced rom-coms suggest, and coming from someone who hasn't been on a first date in nearly 4 years - the odds of that number refreshing are as slim as the chance that i'll be walking down the centre of a room to wedding bells any time soon. long-winded for an opening line, but the sentiment is as full and overcomplicated as the sentence itself. 

when i was 5 years old my parents would ship myself and my sister on the road with them to visit the distant relatives and even at that young age there were three things i could rely on occurring before the days end 

• zia would get emotional, hysterically crying as she insisted on one or ten more hugs before we stepped foot outside her home on the return to our abode
• there would be enough food to feed a battalion and leftovers to spare
• i'd be questioned about the whereabouts of my boyfriend, a dating profile and a save a date for the wedding 

seems a bit far fetched to expect such uniformity from my time spent with family and yet every instance i would retreat outside to avoid the babble of questions about the love of my very young life my tiny body displayed key markers of embarrassment and anger. the embarrassment was a given but the anger was forcibly directed towards my bestest boy friend and his inability to quite literally marry me as we dressed in matching woody's roundup outfits for book fair week.

utterly and completely besotted, it seems so far removed from the emotional attachment i currently have with the concept of marriage, let alone the very first step in the whole ordeal being the first date.

since my infancy, poor dear alex has been forgiven tenfold and has grown into the sweetest adult version of a boy he could be but i never bestowed the same forgiveness towards any remotely familial member of my orbit for their insistency i will be truly betrothed to another in this lifetime. with almost 20 years of extra life experience in my back pocket the resentment remains. 

after the dear heartbreak of my life and the start of my dateless tally, one autumn morning i woke up almost at peace with the revelation i would one day return to the dating scene. that well intentioned epiphany burst within 2 weeks.

apps just aren't for me and props to anyone able to navigate that world (i envy you). my approach has always been in the flourishing of relationships with those who have reached friendship level first, a benchmark to my detriment. within those 2 blissful weeks of opportunity maintaining this standard approach looked promising for the following reasons:

• avoiding the unbearable smalltalk about weather, work and wishes
• they've been witness to my intoxicated personality and have proved it was not a complete deterrent
• in being in the presence of my drunkness, it would not be a shock that beer was the beverage of choice

what i failed to consider when creating the pro's of this approach was the single outstanding con (among the expected cons in any romantic relationship)...no follow through. 

within all the blissfulness of flirtatious banter and stolen moments in cornered booths, all would disappear into non-existence 12 hours into the future. the threat of 'ruining' what is but an expired friendship isn't the established answer to why there is no follow through. no continuing conversation past the banter, no declarations of interest and no plans of repeat occurrences is almost an unspoken code that these unrelated parties agree upon without me knowledge. striking out once and twice wasn't going to stop me from living in my little pity party fantasy, although the third strike in a matter of weeks truly was enough to forfeit in this silly little game i'm continuing to play against affection in order to fulfill the prophecy of my distant zia. 

there's no rulebook which already puts me at the disadvantage cause winging it has never come naturally to me and im at a loss as to how much is too much? what is the stock standard approach? how do you get out of the friendzone without being forceful? is there even a zone to proceed into? what amount of boldness can i display without being desperate? is there even a way? how does anyone truly play on a fair field when so much is unspoken and gatekept? 

desperation doesn't look good on me and my willingness to make any bold moves sways like the sydney weather forecast so today i admit dating game defeat until another wave of confidence overtakes enough to start my dateless tracker over once again...